Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
