I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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