yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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