textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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