I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize