Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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