Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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