You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
