nut hugger
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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