My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
