Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
PANTIES FOUND
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
