Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
