I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
