I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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