lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
