I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
