Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
