I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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