and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Swine flu is the new snow day.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
