I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
