I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
