Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
