she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
