i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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