I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize