True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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