I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
