I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Someone came in the potted fern
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
