I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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