I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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