I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
