I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
