by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
