Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
