I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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