Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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