My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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