I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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