Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
