the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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