she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
