Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
