I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
