oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I need to sanitize my soul.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
