U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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