u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize