I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
