So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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