I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There's a naked man in my car right now.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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