I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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