i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
