I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
