I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
