Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
