I have demons in me.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
