I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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