The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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